Fitness, Inspiration, New Starts

Stream of conciousness


The instructions say to write for 20 minutes… I’ll give it a shot.  My OCD perfectionist is causing this to go a little slow since any errors or typos MUST be corrected before moving forward…. I guess that is one issue I’ll need to work on.

My mind tends to go towards all the things about myself that I feel need improvement.  It’s not ego, I don’t think.  Instead, it’s a feeling of not being good enough or reaching my potential, or even of letting anyone down.  I love people and am really disappointed in myself when I let anyone down.  This year I’m trying to have a different outlook, to accept that I AM good enough and that it’s ok to miss the mark sometimes.  What I don’t want to do is to let that become an excuse to not try. Life is too short to not put in the effort, to not learn, to not grow.  You don’t know if today will be your last day.

I don’t like sounding morbid.  I guess I have a reason for it, though.  Like everyone else, I’ve had tragedy in my life.  I read somewhere that we keep going through the same thing until we learn.  I’m still not sure what it is that I was supposed to learn in this lifetime.  There is so much knowledge, wisdom and just LIFE to experience.  What is tragedy trying to teach me?  Or am I learning, but failing to make the new knowledge a part of my life, a part of me, for long enough?  What is it that losing your family and having to start over trying to teach me?  This is, I believe, a lesson that many of us need to reflect on and attempt to learn.  While I lost my family through their deaths, (first my mom and sister when I was 20, and then my husband 14 years later), many others lose their families through abandonment, divorce, or just losing touch.  Maybe the lesson here is to value our friends and family more.  The family is at the top of my priority list.  However, life happens, and lots of urgent things take up my time… instead of spending it with my family.  And it always has.

So I’m 10 minutes in and this post it sounding a little depressing.  Now that you know a little about what makes me… me, I guess I should move on to what I plan to do to fix what, in my mind if in no one else’s, is wrong with me.

  1. I’m too hard on myself. Solution:  I need to give myself permission to fail… as long as I’m also willing to choose to either get back up and try again or decide whether I’m really interested in what I’m trying to do.  If I hate onions, there is no crime in not making myself eat them just because they are there.  The same is true for other things in my life.  If I work hard to get a promotion but decide that I really HATE the job, it’s ok to move on.
  2. I don’t keep in touch with the people I care about enough. Solution:  make the time to drop by, email, call, text, or write.  Some of these only take a second to do and will let the folks I love know I’m thinking about them.  I read somewhere recently that the reason text messaging and Facebook is so addictive is that seeing a message from someone releases dopamine.  It gives us that happy feeling, just knowing that someone was thinking about us for a moment.  It’s time to give some of that back.
  3. I hate the way I look in the mirror. Solution:  Improve my self-image.  What woman doesn’t find flaws in what they see?  I think even supermodels have this problem, finding that one thing that they think could be better.  Accepting who I am is ok.  And my husband loves me the way I am.
  4. I don’t like my fitness level. Solution:  work out.  But don’t get burnt out.  Last year started out great.  I did a lot of running during the first few months, including a couple of half marathons (I’m really slow… “I run slower than a herd of turtles running through peanut butter… but I run!”  J )  Then I tried a couple of off-road trail races.  16 miles in April, in Florida.  And then 13 miles, in May, in Florida.  I was so wiped out after each race that I didn’t train in between and didn’t run much for the next several months, using the heat as an excuse… I could have gone to the gym.  I think I just didn’t want to run.  This year I’m starting out slower with a “cube” to 5k plan.  Running just a couple of days a week for 30 minutes a day as a starting point might help me avoid the burnout.

My 20 minutes are done.  Have a great day.

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